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Really Good Dirty Talk

Real Sex at Schwelle Sydney last night was unexpected in its confrontation and learnings though I am not sure why. I am still processing. Peter gave the group four choices and the group, after a brief discussion, seemed to naturally flow to a decision of what would take place.

The meditative exercise gave me an opportunity to become present into my body and yet for me I was still ungrounded. It was an opportunity to become present in the space. Peter’s voice helped me find the space, it was my own inner voices that made me find it difficult. I ignored the feeling of not being present and ignored my body just telling me to rest in the corner.

 The massage exercise was a continuation, for me it was moving to feel where the other person was, to ground and focus. Still it was difficult. My day was heavy in my mind and I was feeling very small, anxious and yet I was mindful of an inner voice that argued for me to participate and learn.

I found the writing exercise easier when I turned away from facing everyone. Letting go of my inhibitions included letting go of an assumption that just because I vocalise in role play, just because my current sexual experiences are about immersing in fantasy that expresses real self, deepest desires, often vocally, it doesn’t mean there isn’t still a voice that never gets heard. That there is a  voice that isn’t given space. There is always something unsaid. Turning away meant I dropped into that space and let my pen make that voice. Writing is a special part of Schwelle that I am really enjoying. I never ended up reading what I wrote. I shared the beginning concept and the end but didn’t share the rest. I think I know why.

I have so much I want to say and I don’t know whether it will make sense.

Last night confirmed that real sex, good sex, is about danger and safety, or danger in safety, both present make it really good.

That learning is about being in a safe place where you can take risks to explore ideas and thoughts and delve deeper where there is danger in what you might learn about self. Schwelle gives me that. It does though mean that I need to find ways to process what I learn. To be balanced in my responses. I need to keep using my measure, what is it I am thinking, what am I feeling and how is my body responding.

The group's sharing was both arousing and triggering for me.

The fantasies presented gave me strong visual images and the different sounds of people’s voices, whether whispered sexually, or staccato drills, or echoing timber, all delved deeply into me.

The sharing was fascinating, confronting and generous. I feel blessed to connect with such people. I now have words like, marmalade, soldier, wavering, chinese character for slave girl, Etalon Manor, kneel, cock, you shit,……………that invoke in me such sexual feelings.

Even amongst such beautiful words and energy I worked hard to keep present and listen.

I felt myself shutting down. Getting more anxious. I noticed myself self-talking not to speak. I shushed Jake a few times. I noticed I didn’t want him to speak either. I now know I could hear a voice telling me to be quiet. That I speak too much. That I am too loud. When I did talk I felt small and anxious. I was very thankful that P shared his anxiety about writing and yet what he shared was so deep. At the end of the night I heard my voice talking. I tried hard to stay connected to those I was talking to, I tried to hide my anxiety.

I was very anxious when I left and shared as much as I could with Jake.

He seemed shocked at the things I said.

They were reactive and said too soon when I hadn’t processed. It was as if as soon as I left the class I then gave myself voice. What I should have done was read what I wrote to Jake then and there and given myself that voice with him. […]

Strangely I have written all the above and don’t know if I managed to say anything at all that makes any sense.

The first thing I wrote last night speaks volumes to me.

I wrote “I am nothing”.

I still have lots to learn especially when to speak and when not to speak but most importantly I think I am learning to listen, to myself and others. Thats what real sex is about too.